Ever feel like you are wading through a little too much? There is a saying that God only gives you as much as you can bear.  I'm pretty darned religious, but sometimes I think God lets you find your own limits.

Eight months ago, my life exploded.  My mother-in-law had a suicidal episode and my husband brought her all the way from Phoenix to Edmonton to live with us while we tried to get help for her.  Remember, we had 3 new adopted children who were still in the process of attaching and bonding.  We had just begun the basement renovation and I still had 2 extra children coming 3 days a week in my family daycare.

Now, I thought I knew what to do because I have had some solid experience helping people.  I was guardian for my own schizophrenic birth mother for 10 years until she passed away from heart disease in 2001.  I have provided crisis and advocacy-based counseling as a shelter manager for women and children victims of sexual assault and domestic violence. Even though the timing of my mother-in-law's crisis wasn't personally good for us with new kids and a half-torn up house, I felt I had a pretty good handle on navigating someone through a crisis on to all the medical, psychological and social service connections needed.

Well, I quickly closed up my little daycare.  Immediately, I got us hooked up with all the medical, psychiatric, and welfare supports available.  But my mother-in-law had FOUR more suicidal episodes over the remainder of last year. They were on days that she knew we had special events or appointments and I really felt like her attempts were attention-seeking almost more about attempts to stop us from carrying on our lives than about depression.  The emotional toll on my husband and my children was more than anyone could bear.  After multiple hospitalizations and encounters involving the police, she's now in a community group home and I have limited contact to rare phone calls.

Have you ever taken on too much and how did you redefine your boundaries afterwards?

 

One year ago, my friends adopted a son.  Today they were supposed to be celebrating his special anniversary, but instead, today they lost 2 other foster kids who had been with them over a year.   This was a very similar foster-to-adopt situation that my husband and I experienced.  We both had brother/sister pairs and we got dragged along with false promises and fake hopes right up until the end only to lose them to a relative. 

After my husband and I lost our foster kids, we were advised to "take a break."  We moved to Canada in the interim- my husband is Canadian, and so I had to establish residency here.  By the time I got residency and we went through the year long process of applying and getting matched with children, we ended up with a 3 year break of non-parenthood between kids.  And you know what, that didn't help. 

It took about 6 weeks for the actual physical pain to lessen- that feeling of wanting to hold my first two foster kids in my arms. But, I was still stuck with that hole in my heart.  Or rather two very different holes: 1. The loss of the two kids as people and 2.The infertility/loss of parenthood/loss of family identity.  I still miss those kids and sometimes I still grieve over not being able to have kids of our own.   It wasn't time that made me feel better.  I didn't feel like my life continued until we adopted again.

Even though I've been through this myself, it is sure a horrible helpless feeling to watch my friend go through this. The one thing I've resolved to do is avoid all the empty platitudes I heard:
Time heals all wounds. Everything happens for a reason. You knew this could happen.  They are with their family.  They will be okay.  You will get through this.

I'm just trying to stick to, "I'm sorry." and "What can I do for you right now?"

What do you do to comfort someone in grief?

 
The kids at a babysitting sleepover last month...

We have the bedtime routine. We do baths, we do book reading, we sing special songs, we kiss our kidlets in their beds good night.  With the exception of the little one singing and talking in his bed, everyone had been okay about staying in their beds.  Then sometime recently, they discovered they could sneak out of bed at random times and party.  I can't help but wonder if it had something to do with leaving them at a friends house to be babysat overnight last month.

Hubby is too busy to install the doors on their new rooms, so I'm calling a contractor tomorrow to do it.  So at least I will be able to shut them in their rooms and put alarms on the doors if necessary.  We did that with other foster kids in a different house in the past and that put an end to it.  At least I will be able to keep them from running all over the house and getting into stuff while I'm asleep.  But the boys share a room, so I can't do much about them interacting.

What is your bedtime routine with your kids, or what did your parents do for a routine with you?  Do you have any suggestions?  I'd love to hear how you survived this! Thanks!

After being closed for 6 months to renovate the basement, I've finally  figured out this is going to be a never ending project.  It is going to be years before it is the beautiful fully finished space I imagined in  my head.  But the drywall is up and we are finally using it as a  functional space.   We still don't have doors on the bedrooms or painted  walls, but my kids don't seem to care.  They like that they can go a  lot more crazy than they were allowed to upstairs. 

So that is why for now, I've decided to reopen, but just keep my family daycare hours to occasional drop-in.  That way I will still have time to tackle small projects and still have playmates around for the kids.  

I was politely informed today that I need to change my nomenclature and given the illustration above to make sure the point was clear. I now have to refer to my children as Sir Thomas Knight (the child formerly known as Batman), Princess (like that's a shock to anyone), and Dragon (or Monster Robot depending on if my 3 yr old is feeling futuristic.)  Do your kids have any nicknames or special names that they like you to call them?

I'm discovering the fun of vintage toys.  Even the simplest of toys can bring surprise and wonderment to little faces.

"Picture of Myself" - my 5 year old.

1. Let other people go first.
2. Be a good listener.
3. Get to sleep faster.

"Practicing my Letter Ms" - my 3 year old.

1. Colour nicely.
2. Write my name.
3. Dance better.

"Rainbow food for the New Year" - my 4 yr old.

1. Eat better.
2. Learn to cut with scissors.
3. Not rock on chairs.

1. Stop saying "Hurry up" to my children. Some way, some how keep that type A out of my mothering.
2. Time shift.  Get up 3 hours before my kids and use that early morning energy to get more done, rather than trying to get anything done at the end of the day when I've put the kids to bed and am exhausted myself.
3. Be less of a consumer and more of a creator. (Less books, TV, Internet, games and more creativity of my own.)

What are your resolutions for 2011?
Happy New Year!